What is love?
Most people think that love is about mutual dependence and mutual tolerance. But, in fact, love is an instinct, a manifestation that we cannot control, so what is the feeling of love?
1. Holding
As we all know, the first birth When babies come into this world, the first thing that can make them feel trust and security must be the warm embrace of their mother.
And holding is when we get along with another person, the other person can give us a sense of security and trust.
2. Attachment
Later in the early development stage, the infant learns to distinguish the mother from other people around her and establish a possible attachment relationship with this specific other person.
When you have a desire to hug someone, long to see the other person, be close to the other person, and want to continue this state, it is actually a manifestation of attachment.
3. Passion
From the very beginning of life, basic biological needs begin to seek satisfaction.
In infancy, the need for sucking forms the main source of pleasure. As they grow older, children gain more pleasure by controlling excretion. As they grow older, children begin to seek love from their parents. and happiness, this is an important transition.
In the course of life, this pleasure-seeking orientation gradually evolves into passion-related patterns when in contact with others, such as the rapid secretion of body hormones and the experience of physiological pleasure such as sexual union.
4. Being understood
Being understood means being seen, and he understands me. The first sight a baby sees in his mother's eyes forms the core of the baby's sense of self.
Similarly, in the process of growing up, when we make eye contact and feel that we are understood in the relationship between our four eyes, and see ourselves in each other's eyes, we will understand each other in our hearts. Give the other person a place.
5. Resonance
When a person passes through childhood, and the self gradually matures and pays more attention to others, children eventually discover that they combine themselves with others. possibilities, and being able to experience camaraderie and appreciation.
When we are in contact with others and feel that each other's emotions can be infected with each other, or even synchronized, it will produce an indescribable feeling of pleasure.
6. Provide support
In fact, everyone is learning how to take care of others and provide self-functions from beginning to end. to meet the needs of others and build bridges between each other through acts of care and attention.
In the act of giving, we embrace others,To accommodate and comfort, like a cradle. We begin to hold others as they held us.
Therefore, the creation and maintenance of every intimate relationship must be because both parties in the relationship can meet these physical or psychological "conditions" for each other.
But it should be noted that although these elements are necessary conditions for us to have love and establish an intimate relationship with each other, no relationship can satisfy these six elements at the same time.
You must know that when a person is required to satisfy these six needs of you at the same time, he will undoubtedly feel tremendous pressure, and problems will inevitably arise in the intimate relationship between you.
For example, when you are with a person, what you enjoy most at first is that he can satisfy your attachment. But as time goes by, and two people get tired of being together for a long time, you may feel that there is no passion, boring, and boring, so your need for passion appears.
Perhaps you fell in love at first sight at first, but after getting along for a long time, you find it difficult to resonate with each other and you have no common interests and hobbies. He doesn't like what you like, and you're not interested in what he likes. Therefore, in every relationship, our needs change in stages, and they cannot remain static.
How to maintain long-term love?
This requires us to adopt such measures in intimate relationships A way of getting along - both dependent and independent.
The two forms of interpersonal relationships are dependence and independence.
Dependence means that when you have some psychological needs or practical needs that cannot be satisfied by yourself, you need to rely on the power of others to satisfy your own needs.
For example, although you have a strong sense of security and can make yourself mentally strong and stable through family, career, friendship, etc., you still feel that your thoughts and emotions are not understood and that none of them are suitable. object. At this time, you need to seek "understanding" and "resonance" from your partner.
And in this process of seeking satisfaction, we develop a "sense of dependence" on others. Relying on others is one of the most important ways for us to meet our own psychological and practical needs. It makes up for our own weaknesses, limitations and incompetence, making our lives more complete and nourishing.
And independence means that we meet our own psychological needs and practical needs through our own efforts.
For example, when your significant other can provide you with "holding" and "attachment", but cannot provide you with "being understood" and "resonance".
Through self-encouragement, you can do what you like and accompany yourself when others don’t understand you.Play by yourself. When your financial ability cannot keep up with your own desires, you can gain wealth and satisfy your desires through hard work.
The reason why two people can have a long-term and stable intimate relationship not only benefits from the satisfaction of those basic needs factors, but also benefits from the synthesis of independence and dependence.
This is a dynamic process. When you choose to rely on him because of his ability to satisfy your needs, and when he meets some of your needs but cannot satisfy others at the same time, choose to be independent. This creates a good dynamic.
In other words, you must have "single power", that is: in an intimate relationship, you should not blindly rely on the other person, have the ability to make your life better, and at the same time be able to respect the other person and not demand the other person to achieve what they want. His ideal state, his ability to be himself.
